I just realized this a couple of days ago, but my 500th post came and went. That Last Comic Standing post was the 500th post. So, now 2 1/2 years, 504 posts, and 170,000 words later, has this blog gotten any better? Probably not.

I will note that the Last Comic Standing finale will indeed be aired, but on Comedy Central tonite at 8.

I was at a wedding last night and one thought was absolutely reinforced yet again. At my wedding, no live band.

I was listening to a commercial while driving back. It was for people to try out a new program to kick their habit of smoking. There's even a guarantee too. If it doesn't work in a month, they will buy you two cartons of your favorite cigarettes. What??? If their true motive is to help them not smoke, why tempt them with more cigarettes? Why not just give them the money?

Reaction from the third and final presidential debate:

Exaggeration must be Bush's new word of the day.

I see they still want to smile awkwardly when they're not speaking.

The question was flu vaccines, right? Bush talked about it then made a right turn to litigation. Kerry ignored it completely, focusing on health care in general.

Why must these candidates continue to quote incorrect facts? Kerry quotes that 1.6 million jobs have been lost even though around 500,000 jobs lost. Kerry's tax hike for the rich will be balanced out by the middle class tax cut he wants leaving massive spending unaccounted for. Bush says Kerry has voted 98 times for tax hikes even though it's much less.

Bush isn't helping himself by labelling Kerry as a liberal. Labels really don't apply anymore.

Seems to me joking that it's not your fault when in fact it could be isn't prudent.

On C-SPAN, they show a continuous shot of both candidates. One hour in, Bush has taken a few sips of water. Kerry? None. That's amazing considering my mouth would probably be as dry as a desert.

No Child Left Behind refers to childhood education, doesn't it? What does that have to do with people getting minimum wage right now?

Bob Schieffer asked Kerry what he would do to protect Social Security and he responded, I already did. We gave Bush a $5.6 trillion surplus that would've protected the system. Yeah, that's fine. But we're in deficits now and your plan to take care of deficits falls well short according to many sources. Without deficit reduction, what's your plan?

Hey, this is a domestic policy debate, not foreign policy. Stop talking about Iraq and that annoying global test and backdoor draft.

Yeah, that Persian Gulf line was good, but it's two debates too late.

It sounds to me Kerry takes too much credit for what Clinton did.

It was another nice debate filled with policy differences and some welcome compliments in the end. Who won? I'd say it was a tie but the way the last two debates went, polls will probably say Kerry won as a result of his superior debate skills.

Team America: World Police
From the creators of South Park, Matt Stone and Trey Parker, comes a truly vile and offending puppet film with its target set at terrorists and Kim Jong-Il. Our group of heroes loses a man while saving Paris from a WMD, so for their next mission, Team America's leader, Spottswoode, recruits Gary, a Broadway actor, specifically for his acting skills to infiltrate a terrorist base. While the mission is a success, Gary feels guilty about the resulting retaliation and quits, leaving the door open for Kim Jong-Il to proceed with his plans for world chaos, using the Film Actors Guild (read the acronym) led by Alec Baldwin as his own puppet. In the end, it's up to Gary to save his friends and the world.

This film had a lot going for it. From the very outset, its targets were numerous and they were hit dead on, often to a very funny effect, from Team America's reckless disregard of famous landmarks to the creative wordplay. But somewhere along the way, probably after the graphic sex scene with two puppets, Stone and Parker lose their steam and the movie slows down considerably. It becomes increasingly obvious that the only laughs that linger are based on jokes that are derivatives of the ones we just saw a half hour earlier. So while you'll be delighted by the inspired songs and enjoy that no target goes ignored, by the end, you're just tired from it all. 2 stars

2nd Presidential Debate reaction:

Man, this debate is a laugh riot.

I think Bush has taken something out of the Kerry playbook. If you're not speaking, every 10 seconds or so, smile. Boy, does it look awkward. Bush is also starting to write things on his piece of paper. I wonder what they're writing.

Bush got really angry when Kerry said we were going in alone. Wouldn't even listen to Charlie Gibson. That temper is not gonna go over too well.

Kerry:"When was the first World Trade Center attack? 1993 or so? And the next one was 5...7 years later?" I think it was 8.

Why is it when they talk about tort reform, they must always mention the OB/GYN? Always prominently too.

It looks like Kerry got a kick out of Bush's reference to the National Journal naming Kerry the most liberal senator.

Yeah, that's right. Kerry just said Bush is scaring people and then he scares us even more.

I just don't buy the argument that 1% of America got $89 million of the tax cut. It may be true, but isn't that right? Say people got a 1% tax cut. If you pay $1 million in taxes, then you get $10,000 back. If you're only paying $1,000, you only get $10 back. Of course they wouldn't add up to $89 billion.

So Kerry says his programs don't cost $2.2 trillion like Bush claims. So what's the number?

Bush asked did he have any time left? Geez, he needs to read a traffic light. Is that too hard?

Sure, I don't understand the wisdom of Bush's economic policy but I don't understand Kerry's either. He wants all these programs and he wants to raise the taxes on the wealthy, plus he wants middle class tax cuts and manufacturing tax credits? Sounds like too much.

Maybe both candidates are going to factcheck.com instead of factcheck.org. Both Bush and Kerry are still quoting facts that have been refuted by the media.

Hmm, Bush and Kerry didn't pick a name for the Supreme Court even though the questioner asked. Of course, it's not the type of question anyone should be asking anyway.

Hey, the questioner asked about what wrong decisions you've made, not why such and such decision was right.

In the end, I didn't learn much more about the issues, but Bush presented himself much better this time around. Kerry's performance was aggressive as usual, but at times, repetitive. I could predict what he was going to say at one point. So while the debate I believe was a tie, Bush supporters have to be relieved about his performance, much more so than the last one.

Last Comic Standing was arguably one of the hottest shows during the summer. After a solid first season giving the world Dat Phan, the show exploded in its second season; so much so that NBC decided to bring back the casts of the first two seasons to battle it out. Just one problem: like the weather, this show cooled down considerably. Their acts got tired and nobody stuck around to watch. I was heartened to see Dave Mordal in the final 4, but I probably won't find out who wins. Why? NBC has ended the show prematurely. To find out the winner, NBC isn't devoting an entire show to it. Instead, they'll simply announce it in the middle of a Father of the Pride marathon. Yeah, like anyone watches that show.

I believe tonight you saw from Vice President Dick Cheney what President George W. Bush could not do in his first debate: stay calm and collected while staying on message. No doubt, Bush stayed on message in his debate, but he lost in style points with his constant slouching, his silly smirk, and his slight temper and ultimately lost the debate and his precious lead in the polls to John Kerry.

But not only did Cheney stay on message as well, he was calm in the face of an energetic John Edwards, who like a schoolyard bully, tried to pick a fight on numerous issues but was ultimately frustrated by his failure to break Cheney. Even still, Cheney started spewing facts back at him, which for some odd reason, sounded weird coming from a Bush-Cheney ticket. Frustration though came out constantly when Edwards would start making point after point and Cheney wouldn't say too much in response or he would begin by saying, where do I begin?

I found it a little disturbing that Edwards referred to himself as John Edwards at a couple of points in the debate. He got a little tongue-tied too but played on his strength well, which is his charisma and good looks to get people to listen to his message.

In the end, both did really well in articulating the positions set forth by their bosses, but Republicans will be relieved by the performance by their man that will keep them going in the near future, at least until Friday when President Bush must go back on stage for another debate.

Another funny comic from Tom the Dancing Bug.

Bay Area sports has been struck with a feeling of disbelief. All 4 sports have been utterly disappointing, making it hard to read the Sports section every day.

In baseball, Oakland and my team Baltimore have been traveling down different roads. Oakland was to be the class of baseball with 3 top pitchers and a capable offense. The O's have been struggling to stay afloat after many disappointing seasons. Yet today, these two roads converge. Oakland's streak of playoff appearances snapped today as the Angels eliminated the A's from playoff contention in what has to be the most traumatizing meltdown seen by the A's in recent history. Across the bay, San Francisco blew a 3-run lead in the 9th as it saw the Dodgers hit a walk-off grand slam and win the division. The Giants playoff hopes have not disappeared though, but it needs Houston to lose at least once or then it's over.

Moving to football, the 49ers are not the 49ers we know. They got shut out last week for the first time since 1977. They're starting the season 0-3. The Raiders have come out decently but question marks remain as they replace their starting quarterback with Kerry Collins.

In basketball, the Warriors are the Warriors. What do they and Stanfurd have in common? They'll both probably win 30 games tops. Of course, the Warriors play 82 games and Stanfurd only 35.

The HP Pavilion is silent as hockey continues its lockout of players. The Sharks should have been playing exhibition games by now with the season to have started October 14. But that's thrown out the window.

The only major team outperforming all others? The #10 California Golden Bears, now 3-0 with a win at Oregon State today, head down to L.A. next weekend for a matchup against USC with the winner most likely becoming the Pac-10's representative at the BCS bowls.

After the first Presidential debate, it's clear from a stylistic point of view that Kerry won this debate. President Bush is not the most eloquent of folks and it showed tonight as he was constantly fumbling over words, had long pauses, and at one point, had that deer in the headlights look when moderator Jim Lehrer surprised him with an extra 30 seconds to say something. Kerry was quick to respond to every shot he took from Bush and actually looked presidential.

But lost in the show is the message. Bush had one message to communicate and that was if we stay the course, everything will be all right. And that's all he said while criticizing his opponent for wavering in the political winds, as they like to say. Kerry's task was much more difficult and while he was just as successful, he needed to be better. He didn't show off what he would do differently to get the U.S. out of Iraq. Sure, he criticized the President heavily on how he went to war, but didn't say much on how to get out. And on the parts he did talk about, it's no more different than what the President is doing right now. As a result, neither side gained the knockout punch they wanted. But Kerry's edge in the image he projected certainly will boost Democratic spirits who are sick of seeing constant poll numbers showing Bush 5 points ahead in the presidential horserace.

The funniest comment I've seen just before the debate may have been about the lights. A small traffic light was attached in front of the candidates' microphones to remind the audience that the speaker had 30, 15, and 0 seconds left. Though it was part of the agreement the campaigns signed, the Kerry campaign wanted them removed, something that obviously was not done. And what did Vice President Cheney have to say? "It's just like John Kerry -- he was for the lights before he was against the lights."

So I'm driving along Blossom Hill today and this Civic comes up from behind and speeds right past me, easily going 80 mph on this road. I'm sorry, if the 60 mph I was driving was not fast enough, something is very wrong.

I went to Sweet Tomatoes recently and there was a sign on the cash register which claimed that they will no longer accept expired coupons any longer. Whoa, they accepted expired coupons? Those coupons from a few years ago could still be honored? What's the point of having expiration dates on them in the first place?

So those Star Wars DVD's came out and I'm just shocked at the changes, including placing Hayden Christensen in the final scene of Return of the Jedi. I still insist that casting Christensen was the worst mistake Lucas made in making the prequels, but updating the graphics in the original is one thing. Changing a memorable scene is quite another.

Lucas claims that in the future, a newcomer should watch the six episodes in order, instead of the last 3 first and then the first 3, like the rest of us did. I strongly disagree. Reserving judgment on the upcoming third film, how can you appreciate the Star Wars series when you have to sit through the worst two episodes of the series?

This from the Mercury News today:

The SJSU athletic department released a new attendance figure for last weekend's home opener against Morgan State: 10,411. After an official audit, the university found that student tickets were counted twice in the announced crowd of 11,360. There were also about 50 counterfeit tickets used for admission.

San Jose State can only attract 10K for football for its opener? Last year, Cal attracted football crowds as low as 25K and people were panicking. No wonder people want to get rid of it. Admittedly, the opponent was against a relative unknown from a lower division, but still.

Student tickets were counted twice? Maybe they should've counted them 3 or 4 times. It would probably still be 10K, anyway.

Counterfeit tickets? To a SJSU football game? That's lame. I really hope they were free. Actually, that wouldn't help. Students already get in free and they still don't go.

Resident Evil: Apocalypse
Following the events of the first film, the people at Umbrella decide to open up the lab to see what really happened. But things become out of hand and soon, a virus spreads to the surrounding city, causing everyone infected to become zombies, forcing the electrified fences to turn on and all access out of the city to be closed. But, of course, there are still normal people trapped inside, trying to find a way out. Meanwhile, the heroine of the first film, Alice (Milla Jovovich), suddenly awakens from her coma-like state, feeling strong from the experimentation done to her, also does her part to get the people that are normal to leave. The catch? The scientist promising a way out force them to save his daughter before they can proceed out. But there's another obstacle to go along with the zombies walking around: Umbrella's creation from the Nemesis project, and the company believes this is the perfect time to test its new toy.

Doesn't it seem like we've had one too many zombie movies lately? After watching this, I think we've had one too many Resident Evil movies. This movie is a total mess, probably only made to satisfy a company's coffers. Sure, it may be characterized as a zombie movie, but during large portions of the film, you'll wonder where they all went. Other times, where did they come from? For example, all of a sudden, you see zombies coming out of graves. When were they infected? Did I miss something? Along with an ending that frankly comes out of nowhere, in a bad way, not a good way, "Resident Evil: Apocalypse" adds up to something ultimately unnecessary. 1 star

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
Gotham City isn't protected by Batman in this world of tomorrow. Instead, the city turns its eyes to the Sky Captain, Joe Sullivan (Jude Law). Large robots are soon seen in the sky and descend to steal the city's energy generators. Reporter Polly Perkins (Gwyneth Paltrow) gets clues as to why they're here and teams up with her former lover Sullivan to track down their true motives. It seems scientists are being kidnapped who were all part of a secret German project during World War I. With only the name Totenkopf and a smart know-it-all in Giovanni Ribisi to track down the robots' signals, the two must travel to Asia to find the scientists and try to stop whatever dangerous scheme Totenkopf is up to.

The film is admittedly a mixed bag. I applaud Kerry Conran's vision to use CGI throughout the entire film, creating a fantasy world that dazzles the eyes with life in the past. But the story could use a little work. Paltrow's performance in the beginning became more of an annoyance with every line she said. It's amazing her character could co-exist with Joe for so long in the film. Like a plane taking off, the trip to Asia and the ensuing events, including an encounter with Angelina Jolie, becomes a high note of the film. But the ending is too non-sensical for even the imagination to handle and its attempts to keep our attention through humor falls short. 2 stars

The Manchurian Candidate
It was the Persian Gulf War and a commanding officer, Ben Marco (Denzel Washington), has been knocked out leaving it up to Raymond Shaw (Liev Schreiber) to save the men in his unit, save for two people tragically killed. Flash forward to today, where Shaw is using his war credentials and his connections through his senator mother (Meryl Streep) to run for Vice President of the United States. Meanwhile, Marco and the rest of his unit is continually haunted by nightmares of the war experience. His investigation leads him to believe the whole thing may have been a hoax just to get someone into the White House. But every time he seems to get close, people get into his way including, curiously, the Manchurian Global corporation.

Most people remember the 1960's version of this film from John Frankenheimer and wonder why in the world an update was needed. But considering the quality of this modern version from Jonathan Demme, while it takes its cues from the original, it is independent enough to stand alone as a taut political thriller. Pretty much anything Washington does will be quality material and he doesn't disappoint here. The victim of apparent brainwashing and constant surveillance, Washington does well balancing these two forces while looking as crazy as you can get. The true effect of the classic Manchurian Candidate wasn't truly felt until much later. This film won't leave that kind of lasting impression, and it probably spells things out too much at the end, but it's a carefully crafted film that keeps track of every detail and holds its secrets well until the last second. 3.5 stars

You want an election nightmare? As you know, we elect our president through the electoral college, which has 538 votes for the 50 states; one vote for each representative in the House and one for each Senator. So California, for example, has 55 electoral votes, winner-take-all. You need 270 electoral votes to win.

What if Bush or Kerry fail to reach 270? Then the House votes for President and the Senate for Vice President. In the House, each state delegation gets one vote and Republicans have a decided advantage in the House, so Bush, in this case, becomes President. For Vice President, things get a little iffy.

The Senate races are real close this year. Republicans currently control the body 51-48. If Republicans keep control, Cheney is VP. If Democrats gain control, then John Edwards becomes VP. What if there's a tie? The current Vice President has the tie-breaking vote, meaning Cheney would be voting himself back into office.

Of course, if any of this happens, people will be screaming bloody hell.

A nice way to keep track of this mess is through electoral-vote.com, which keeps track of the map every day until election day.

On a different note, ABC has had a lot of problems in the past few years. Ever since Who Wants to be a Millionaire aired and crashed to the ground, ABC crashed along with it. Along the way, it decided to give quality a try. Yes, it delayed its foray onto the reality bandwagon and it deviated from its family comedy style it built its past success on, but at least they'd be going down with style. And that's how the world was introduced to two geniuses in Aaron Sorkin and J.J. Abrams. Sorkin was an accomplished writer of theatre and film and went to ABC to make the phenomenal show Sports Night. But nobody watched it and ABC was reluctant to give him another show. So Sorkin went to NBC and gave them a big hit in The West Wing. Now, here comes Abrams, with only Felicity under his belt, bringing in the buzz show of three years ago in Alias and introducing us to Jennifer Garner. But nobody watched it. Luckily, enough people watch it for us to enjoy season 4, but it's not the smash hit ABC wanted. But they weren't about to make the same mistake as they did with Sorkin. Here comes this project called Lost, and Abrams signs on. And what do you know? The first episode was great and 18 million people watched it. With a respectable hold on next week's audience, it looks as though ABC finally has a hit on its hands.

Happy birthday wishes go out to my two cousins who turn 21; Christy's is today while Trang's was last week.

I went to the dentist recently and lo and behold, the worst happened. They found a cavity. Oh my. I haven't had one of those since my age was still in single digits. It was tricky to find too. Those spiffy computerized x-rays couldn't find it. It took a nice dental instrument to poke everywhere just to find it. Man, it's been so long, I don't even know how they fill it anymore. From my last cavity, this metal colored thing remains, but nowadays, they use white fillings and such to hide it as best they can. So they filled it on Monday, but I think they used too much of that numbing agent. It lasted a good 3 hours before the effects went away.

There was this Simpsons episode once when Mr. Burns was worried he didn't have an heir to pass along his fortunes so he held tryouts for every young boy in Springfield in order to find the perfect heir. Eventually, he settled on the energetic Bart smashing up the windows of his estate. Why did I think of that when I was watching The Benefactor? I don't even understand the show. It seems Mark Cuban will find just about anything to out the contestants. Well, you know what, he might say, I don't like that your left-handed, so you don't get my million bucks. Or something like that. Just a ridiculous excuse for a show.

I finally watched the updated version of The Manchurian Candidate, bringing the summer's movie total to 23. 23? That's it? What happened to the times when you could watch 23 in a month? Well, times have changed and, let's face it, August pretty much sucked in terms of movies. And September doesn't look any better. Probably the next true must-see is in October when Shark Tale comes out. Though I might catch Sky Captain, I'm not waiting in any line to see it.

This was in my email a few days ago and I had a laugh again when it was published in today's Mercury News.

THE NEW 2004 CALIFORNIA STATE EMPLOYEE GIRLEY MEN HANDBOOK

by GOVERNOR ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore, you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes. Therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore, you do not need a raise.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have no employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, funerals should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave that much earlier.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under "Chronic Offenders".

Thank you for your loyalty to our great state. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

THE GOVERNATOR,
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Today marks the 3rd Anniversary of 9/11. By now though, things for the most part have gone back to normal. People have begun planning for 9/11 as they would any other Saturday. Football marks the day as the college games are in full swing. People I know are working tomorrow or headed to some party. We have moved on but the memories live on. And now, as published every Sept. 11. Okay, it's easy to keep track; it's been done 3 times.

The Names by Billy Collins

Yesterday, I lay awake in the palm of the night.
A soft rain stole in, unhelped by any breeze,
And when I saw the silver glaze on the windows
I started with A, with Ackerman, as it happened,
then Baxter and Calabro,
Davis and Everling, names falling into place
as droplets fell through the dark.
Names printed on the ceiling of the night.
Names slipping around a watery bend.
26 willows on the banks of a stream.

In the morning, I walked out barefoot
among thousands of flowers,
heavy with dew, like the eyes of tears,
and each had a name --
Fiori inscribed on a yellow petal.
Then Gonzales and Han, Ishikawa, and Jenkins.
Names written in the air
and stitched into the cloth of the day,
a name under a photograph taped to a mailbox,
monogram on a torn shirt.
I see you spelled out on storefront windows
and on the bright, unfurled awnings of this city.
I say the syllables as I turn a corner,
Kelly, and Lee,
Medina, Nardella, and O'Connor.

When I peer into the woods,
I see a thick tangle where letters are hidden,
as in a puzzle concocted for children.
Parker and Quigley in the twigs of an ash,
Rizzo, Shubert, Torres and Upton,
secrets in the bows of ancient maple.
Names written in the pale sky.
Names rising in the updraft amid buildings.
Names silent in stone
or cried out behind a door,
Names blown over the Earth and out to sea.

In the evening, weakening light, the last swallows,
a boy on a lake lifts his oars.
A woman by a window puts a match to a candle,
and the names are outlined on the rose clouds --
Vanacor and Wallace,
(let X stand, if it can, for the ones unfound)
then Young and Ziminski, the final jolt of Z.

Names etched on the head of a pin,
one name spanning a bridge, another undergoing a tunnel.
A blue name needled into the skin.
Names of citizens, workers, mothers and fathers,
the bright-eyed daughter, the quick son.
Alphabet of names in green rows in a field.
Names in the small tracks of birds.
Names lifted from a hat
or balanced on the tip of the tongue.
Names wheeled into the dim warehouse of memory.
So many names, there is barely room on the wills of the heart.

Remember the first Mighty Ducks movie? Emilio Estevez walks into his childhood hockey arena and surveys the scene. At the corner of his sight, he sees the championship banners of his hockey team, the Hawks. He looks at them one year at a time, but one blemish remains; the year he lost it for them. He reminisces to that moment and looks down, still disappointed.

I think that's how the team of De La Salle feels right now. Their high school football winning streak of 151 games, a span of 12+ years, was snapped. When I was going through high school, many of my friends on the team, which experienced its high point when I was there, expressed their desire to play them. One even insisted that negotiations were underway. But that wasn't meant to be. They weren't given a chance to make history. That honor instead goes to a team in Washington. To be fair, a team that lost most of its starters and is still reeling from the death of a former teammate set things up for a De La Salle loss at some point. But I don't thing anyone would have expected it to come so suddenly, and by such a margin (19 points). So congrats to them for an excellent streak, one that probably drove other teams to succeed as well. Next week, everything begins again.

In other sports news, Cal won its opener, 56-14 over Air Force. The defense looked pretty weak in the first half and while it shut down the Falcons' triple option offense in the second half, I still have my doubts. They need a much better performance against New Mexico State to convince me that they can beat the triple threat of Southern Miss, Oregon State, and USC. At least there is nothing to worry about in terms of the offense.

Finally, the guy I usually talk sports with, Datman himself, celebrates a birthday tomorrow, if I'm reading my calendar right. So happy birthday. Remember, you won't find him at a casino any time soon. He's got a bet going that he won't gamble for a year. Oh, I mean, there will be a penalty if he breaks his promise to not gamble for a year.

Click for a delightful comic from Tom the Dancing Bug.

This from a Mercury news editorial today:

Tonight, for the first time in decades, a heavily promoted first-run film -- ``Paparazzi'' -- will open simultaneously at the Camera Cinemas downtown and Century 21 in the Winchester theater complex. That's great news for movie fans throughout the city.

Excuse me while I laugh hysterically.

Paparazzi? It sounds like they're calling it the savior of Camera Cinemas. Ha. It's probably the most unintentionally funny movie to come out until Cellular comes out next week.

What prompted this editorial is the fact that Century Theatres required exclusivity of running movies near Valley Fair, the big domes plus the new CineArts at Santana Row. Century now has relaxed the restrictions allowing "big-time" movies to come downtown to the new Camera Cinemas. The lack of first-run attractions doomed United Artists in their foray downtown.

And the first to come down the pipeline? Paparazzi. I'm sorry to tell you this, but don't pin your hopes on this film. There's probably a reason why Century let them show it.

Have you seen the ridiculous storyline? The paparazzi following a particular celebrity causes an accident that hurts his family. So what does the celebrity do? He does what anyone would do. He goes around killing them.

Even for this person who tries to watch most of the big films, even though you can't characterize Paparazzi as big, I'll still pass on this one. Not even worth a download. The studio would seem to think so too. Critics were not given a preview so that they could review it today.