I wanted to talk about this last night but I fell asleep. When the football game reached a score of blowout proportions, I quickly started to channel-surf to see what else was on. Sure enough, there was the absurdity of "Celebrity" Boot Camp. First of all, Boot Camp, like American Idol (yes, Kelly was the best of the bunch, but they were all just horrible, weren't they?), gets boring after the first couple of episodes because the funny awkwardness takes up most of the first shows. Once that's gone, the seriousness of competition remains and unless you're into that stuff, then it gets really boring.

But the true problem is that none of these people are celebrities. They might have been many, many, many years ago, but not now. Let us count the ways.

Traci Bingham was on Baywatch. Nobody remembers that show anymore. Even more obscure were the women who were on that show. Because there were so many of them, it didn't matter who they were as long as they were running.

Coolio hasn't had a hit since Gangsta's Paradise.

David Faustino was Bud Bundy. Not something you want to say to everyday people.

Kato Kaelin was O.J.'s houseguest at the time of the murders. Wow. What a celebrity. (Speaking of O.J., Christopher Reeve, Superman-turned-paralyzed-for-life, made a joke the other day at a party of his: What's the difference between Christopher Reeve and O.J.? O.J. walked.)

Lorenzo Lamas was the Renegade. Never heard of the TV show? Thought so.

Fabrice Morvan. Better known as part of the group Milli Vanilli, the Grammy-winning lip synching group. Again, not something to be known for.

Tiffany was a pop-star umpteen years ago. Her recent claim to fame? She performed in Berkeley a couple years ago. No, not a big concert, a noon concert. If you remember, The Librarians just performed at the same space two weeks ago.

Vitamin C made that Graduation song, but has never been heard from since.

Barry Williams, arguably the most famous celebrity in Boot Camp, was on the Brady Bunch. Anything else? Nope, just the Brady Bunch. He was in the movies. Nope, they were Brady Bunch movies. Wait, he wrote a book. Nope, it was about the Brady Bunch. He sings right? Well, he sucks and he wouldn't be singing if it weren't for the Brady Bunch.

Finally, Nikki Zierling is on The Price is Right. She's one of the models. Yeah, like we know any of the models' names.

And there you go, the big, big stars on Celebrity Boot Camp. Luckily, this didn't drag on for six weeks like the regular edition. Instead, it was two hours long and I managed to find out that Coolio won by the slimmest of margins, whose reactions, demeanor, language, and arrogance were worth watching.