On this Monday last year, I started my job. And look! They haven't fired me yet! Don't know why.

I had 2 missed calls on my cell and I didn't recognize the number. So I didn't bother returning the call. This person then called for a third time so I answered it. It was from a girl named Sheila and asked whether some job was filled. My words to her were, "No, I'm sorry, you've got the wrong number." Apparently, she only heard the "No, I'm sorry" part cuz she quickly gave me a f--- you and hung up. Yep, future workforce of America, folks.

My brother let me know that Steven Seagal will be performing at the Fillmore in June. Yes, the Steven Seagal. He's a musician too. Man, this guy can do everything. Quite possibly, the power of music is spreading. Just look at this review on Amazon...best piece of fiction I've read lately.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0009SQ520/sr=8-2/qid=1146164508/ref=pd_bbs_2/103-9806166-2937460?%5Fencoding=UTF8

Dear Mr. Seagal,

Tuesday, February 12th, was a pretty average day for me. I woke up, brushed my teeth, had my morning glass of mayonnaise, put on my beret, tossed my scarf over my shoulder, heaved a heavy sigh and ventured out into the cold. The suspension on my electric scooter sagged deeply, not unlike my longing heart. While the vanity bumper sticker that Mother had bought me proclaimed "A smile a day keeps the doctor away", I was a very, very lonely 42 year old man. I was morbidly obese and quite frankly, I didn't have the most pleasant odour about me. I was lucky if even that kid with the club foot that everyone chased after school would wave to me when I passed.

Doing the rounds of my paper route, I rode by my local music store. I heard Something about Lollipops emanating from the speaker. I heard the low and shrill sound and it immediately began soothing my jangled nerves. Little did I know that this little piece of plastic, with the wondroous words and lyrics of Steven Seagal burned onto it for all of eternity with a laser, was soon to change my life.

I immediately got out of my scooter, ran into the store, took a few minutes to try to catch my breath. Finally I was able to gasp out to the clerk: "That Cd. That voice of the angels. I need to have it now". I bought several copies in case I became hungry on the way home. I rushed home, changed into my athletic gear and utility belt and immediately began doing pushups. It was like I was a man possesed. I didn't know it at the time, but this CD harnessed the work ethic, the martial arts prowess and, above all, the stunning handsomness and fashion sense of Steven Seagal into one small package. All that I had to do was press play and I was transformed into the essence of Casey Ryback, ex-navy seal, counter-terrorist expert and environmental mercenary.

To the sounds of Mr. Seagal I was able to shed my weight and began taking daily showers. I now entertain several women per week, sometimes even several per day. I am making over $5000 a week stuffing envelopes from home. My life has become full of many smiles a day, and I look forward to each day with more anticipation than the last. I owe it all to the inspiring and electrifying work being done each and every day by Steven Seagal.

Thank you, Steven Seagal.

Your friend in arms,
Kevin Keast, Toronto, Ontario