I forgot to mention a hilarious article by sports humorist Bill Simmons at ESPN's Page 2. On the heels of a list of the 20 greatest sports movies of all-time, he writes an in-depth analysis of The Karate Kid trilogy. As someone who watched the trilogy, I found this thing very funny. Here are a few excerpts:

For one thing, there's a terrific plot: Lovable loser Daniel moves to California, feuds with a band of moped-riding karate bullies, gets his butt kicked repeatedly, turns to a Japanese maintenance man for guidance, learns karate, learns about life, falls in love, enters a tournament against the bullies, gets injured in the semifinals, rallies back to fight his girlfriend's ex-boyfriend in the Finals, improbably gets the win. The end. Does it get any better than that?

Elisabeth Shue's character was probably thinking, "Hey, this kid's 5-foot-7, he weighs 100 pounds, he can't defend himself, he has no money and no car, we run in different social circles, his mom has to drive him on dates, and everyone hates him. ... I think I'm in love!"

Three underrated cast members really helped the cause here:

1. Randee Heller as Mrs. LaRusso, one of my favorite Hollywood Moms of the '80s (right up there with Mrs. Keaton and Mrs. Bueller). You know, in a five-year span, Randee played Gabe Kaplan's wife in "Fast Break," Ken Reeves' stripper girlfriend in "The White Shadow," and Daniel-San's Mom in "The Karate Kid," and then she was never seen again ... and I guess my point is this: You don't need to work anymore with a résumé like that.

2. Billy Zabka's watershed performance as the villainous Johnny Lawrence (Daniel-San's nemesis and the head of the Cobra Kai), which launched his much-lauded career as the definitive '80s movie villain. In my opinion, he has entered that rare group of actors who only need to go by one name: Eastwood, Stallone, Hanks, Cruise, Nicholson ... and Zabka.

3. The Cobra Kai flunkie who screams "Get him a bodybag ... yeahhhhhh!" during the climactic Daniel-Johnny fight scene, which emerged as one of the signature movie quotes from the '80s - right up there with "How 'bout a Fresca, hmmmmm?", "Dammit Maverick!", "Looks like the University of Illinois!" and "Two months, Bender ... you're mine for two months."

Some other classic moments: Miyagi saving Daniel-San on Halloween night (and wiping out the Cobra Kai) ... Miyagi and Daniel-San trying to catch flies with chopsticks ... the well-filmed scene when Daniel is trying that balancing thing on the beach ... the emotional 16th birthday party, when Miyagi gives Daniel-San one of his antique cars (awwwww) ... Daniel and Ali's first date, one of those hokey, "We're on a date and having a good time" '80s montages ... Daniel crashing Ali's country club party, then getting a plate of spaghetti on him, prompting another classic '80s device -- the "Everyone's laughing at me, and I need to get out of here" scene.

The inspiring All-Valley Karate Tournament montage (one of my favorite sports movie sequence ever), taken to the next level by that "You're the best ... around ... nothing's ever gonna keep you down!" song. I've probably watched this sequence 455 times in my life, and if it was showing on HBO8 right now, I'd be taking a break for No. 456. I love when Daniel beats Dutch (the white-haired kid, played by Chad McQueen, who would eventually make a name for himself on Skinemax). In real life, would Daniel-San have ever beaten Dutch? Of course not. Even in the movie, they skimp over that fight because they know it's totally improbable.

While preparing for this column, I realized that I hadn't seen "KKII" in years. That led to this exchange between me and the guy answering phones at my local Hollywood Video store:


Me: "Hey, I was wondering if you guys had "Karate Kid II" in?"

Guy: (Dead silence)

Me: "You know, the sequel to 'Karate Kid'?"

Guy (a little frightened): "Um, yeah, we do."

Me: "Great, I'm coming down right now to pick it up."

Guy (picking up his other phone to alert local police): "Sure."


(I'm telling you, you haven't really died a slow death in life until you've entered a video store and muttered the words, "Hi, I'm the guy who called about 'Karate Kid II.' ")

A quick plot recap for KKII: Miyagi's father in Okinawa dies, so Miyagi decides to fly to Japan. Since Ali dumped Daniel-San, he has no friends and nothing to do all summer ... this prompts a painful scene in which Daniel-San arrives at the airport just as Miyagi is boarding his plane, leading to some "Please, let me come with you" begging and this hair-raising quote:

"Mr. Miyagi, you're more important than college, you're more important than anything to me."

(Yup ... this was the point in the trilogy in which the Daniel-Miyagi relationship could officially be described as "a little uncomfortable.")

Back in the '90s, you had a 75.638% chance of catching "KKIII" on one of the three HBO channels at any time. I'll never forget the spring when I was vacationing in the Caribbean -- our hotel TV had six channels, including a Spanish HBO. Needless to say, one morning, "KKIII" was showing with Spanish dubbing. You couldn't get away from it if you tried.

Why in God's name was Daniel-San still hanging out with Mr. Miyagi? How come he couldn't make any friends that were within 45 years of his own age? In one scene, he kicks off a date by bringing the girl over to meet Mr. Miyagi, essentially saying, "Hey, instead of going out, let's go meet my 85-year-old Japanese buddy, Mr. Miyagi. He's weird, he talks in grunts and his first name is 'Mister.' You'll love this guy!"

Read the whole thing here.